Dealing with Difficult People #10: Rude Bastards

Some people are just not very nice. They don’t seem to have learned the golden life rule about treating others the way you would like to be treated yourself.


That bloke in accounts who lets the door shut in your face every single time. The kid who thinks 'merge' means 'push in immediately'. That guy on the train with his legs spread across three seats (his balls are apparently that big). That mother at the school gate who turns slightly away every time you approach. There are so very, very many of them.

They just don’t get the fact that life runs on little everyday niceties; they are Life Rude. Would it kill them to be kind?

So, how do we handle this unnecessary business without being rude right back?

1. Don’t reach for the PowerPoint
Tempting though it is to launch into a Modern Manners lecture complete with Venn diagrams, I wouldn’t go there. I remember cringing as a woman on the train once tried this with a big-ball-leg-spreader and she just sounded so whiny. The trouble with rudeness is that it is actually quite a trivial matter on its own. The more you sound off about it, the more inconsequential their rudeness seems.

2. The boxer approach
Depending on the type of day you’ve had, you could always just get physical. I’m pretty sure that squeezing yourself in next to that big-ball-leg-spreader and giving him a whacking-hard shove out of the way would make you feel a whole lot better. And imagine just walking up and decking that imperceptibly-snobby mum at the school gate. Oh, the blessed relief!

3. Cue your Look of Utter Contempt
Of course, I could never condone violence of any kind*, so instead I’ll recommend the non-verbal equivalent of a slap to the face. The Look of Utter Contempt.

This is the look you would give if you were the Queen of the World and they were some simple little serf prone on the floor in front of you beseeching you for their life. Your foot would ease out from your bejewelled gown to give them a smart kick to the face… oh, sorry, back on the violence again.

4. Cue your Look of Utter Distaste
If you get no luck with the Look of Utter Contempt, try the Look of Utter Distaste. This look is similar to what you might find on a face that has just discovered its attached foot has stepped in slightly-sticky dog poo, walked it through the newly-carpeted house, up the 27 stairs and into bed.

“What are you looking at?” says the loud-mouthed buffoon.** Cue your Distaste aimed directly at their eyeballs and say “oh, I’m looking at absolutely nothing”.

5. Beat them with niceness
When the looks and the brawling fail, it’s time to resort to being nice. Rudeness is always louder when surrounded by impeccable manners. Up your own nice factor, smile sweetly and bring them to their knees.

Rudeness: The hidden societal stress factor.

How do you show people that rudeness is not okay on your watch?

What’s the rudest thing you’ve ever randomly had done to you?

* Please ignore my 'blessed relief' comment in the point above. As a complete pacifist, I should never have written that. I don't know what happened.

** I’m not entirely sure what a buffoon is but I’m pretty sure I would know if I was Queen of the World and writing this with my quill.


[Image by the delightful Suse at  Revoluzza as always. Thank you for your marvellousness, Suse.]

Dealing with Difficult People #9: The Desperate Newcomer

It's true I have a love-hate relationship with People. I love to meet new ones and make friends; but at the same time I loathe the general public and am wary of newcomers. I know: another complete contradiction in my life. Just call me Ms Hyjekell.

I think one of the reasons that I am wary is because I have been bitten many times by the Desperate Newcomer (DN). That friendly person you meet at playgroup / the park / the pub whose company you find pleasant enough such that you casually swap phone numbers and a ‘we must meet again'.

Only there’s nothing casual about it.

We must meet again.

You catch up for coffee with the kids in tow. You go to the pub for a quiet glass of whine. After that they are stapled to your sleeve at every social engagement you find yourself at and before you know it, they've invited themselves to your family BBQ.  People soon refer to you as Besties and thus you bewilderingly find yourself ensonced with someone whom you barely know and are fast starting to loathe on sight. Don’t they have any other friends?

So, just how do you edge out the DN before the claustrophobia sets in?

1. Be wary of anyone who talks incessantly about how many friends they have
They haven’t got any.

2. Be alert around the Pinnerdownerer
The Pinnerdownerer is that person who when you vaguely say ‘we should get the gang together soon' says ‘how about tomorrow at 7, my place, you bring dessert, Mary's on nibbles?’ Every group of friends needs a Pinnerdownerer or no one would ever actually meet up. We would all just stay home cosy and comfy in our little nests watching How I Met Your Mother A Thousand Shows From Now re-runs. So, while we acknowledge that the Pinnerdownerer is an important organising role it is very easy for them to tip into DN territory. Try not to be pinned down too regularly.

3. Time the first contact
Both the timing of and the duration. If someone you’ve recently met calls you within a matter of days and spends at least 10 minutes getting to the ‘come over on Saturday point, you will not want to be available on Saturday.

4. Observe during the Uncomfortable Absence
Sometimes you meet a family and you all just get along so fabulously that before you know it you’ve spent the past three weekends together, are planning to share a holiday house over Easter and your children are wearing each others’ clothes. Regardless of how much you like the family, how similar you are and how great your time together is, you will wake up on the Monday after the third consecutive Sunday BBQ and think ‘Oooh. Awkward’. Whereby you will avoid them like the plague for at least two weeks before happily resuming your friendship. This is normal, they feel the exact same way and they will be avoiding you right back.

If you receive any type of contact from the other family during the two week Uncomfortable Absence period, you can be sure they are Desperate Newcomers and no further contact should be made.

5. Sadly, you can’t just avoid them
If you fail to spot a DN and soon find yourself the object of their affection, it’s tempting to use our favourite Difficult People technique: ignore them until they go away. Unfortunately our old stand-by just doesn’t work with the DN. Ignoring them makes them perkier and more time-consuming than ever as they try to win their way back into your heart. You have to remember that you are new forever best friends with this person.

No, the only way to successfully eradicate a DN is to find them a new best friend. Have a chat to your social team and find out if anyone else has a DN they are trying to palm. Introducing DNs to each other is not just a community service, it’s a match made in everlasting heaven.

I’ve lost full years of my life trying to avoid DNs. Have you experienced one and lived to tell the tale? Do you have some other techniques to share with the group?

[As always, Difficult People image by Suse Bauer via Revoluzzza... note that Desperate Newcomers often look like butter wouldn't melt but there are always big sharp teeth involved. Don't let that innocent face (and rather scrumptious fabric choice) deceive you!]

Dealing with Difficult People #8: Aggressive Drivers

As we all reel from the controversy surrounding the Yummy Mummy post last week, do you ever stop to think how bizarre cars are? How we zip around suspended above the ground in our little metal boxes. Lost in our own little world with one eye on the traffic and the other on what’s for dinner? How cars allow us to go further and do more in a day than we are actually biologically capable of?


No wonder the roads are a heaving pit of heat and aggression.


But there is no excuse for the way some drivers behave. They cut you off, they tailgate, they slam in and out of traffic, they go 90 in a 60 zone. I just can’t stand the injustice of these imbeciles getting away with causing havoc. Argh, they make me so angry I could... drive aggressively myself?


No wonder the road are a heaving pit of accidents and casualties.


So just how do you let a driver know that their driving is unacceptable without becoming a screaming maniac yourself? What do you do to make sure they understand that good drivers rule the roads, not bad? Try these tips for starters.


1. Do not use hand gestures
Once I was so annoyed at being cut off that I immediately fired off the bird. I was instantly ashamed and so attempted to make it seem like I was merely adjusting my rear vision mirror. With my middle finger. So, instead of a brief middle finger salute, what they got was an ongoing insult that seemed to go on for kilometres.

My advice is that unless you’re giving a ‘heya, thanks’ hand raise to nice people, please just keep both hands on the wheel.


2. Do not tailgate back
The ‘eye for an eye’ approach to life does not work on the road. As tempting as it is to speed up and tailgate the tailgater – yeah, you like that cowboy? You still feel like Schumacher, do ya? – resist that powerful urge. Besides being dangerous and juvenille, you won’t be able to keep up and then you will just look really very small and foolish.


3. Slow down
So, in your trusty rear vision mirror, you’ve spotted a crazy gaining from behind. This is where I suddenly remember that the speed limit is the fastest possible limit, not the slowest. I slow right down to 40, maybe even 30. It’s never for long – that driver is past you and roaring away within seconds – but just knowing that I’ve provided a small hurdle of frustration in their day is often enough.


4. Try The Box
If you’re really lucky, other like-minded drivers will have spotted the hooligan as well. Working together you can then form a box around the culprit, trapping him inside as if he’s being followed by a traffic jam all of his own making. It’s great fun and, since you’re all only driving at 40km per hour, unlikely to end in tears.


5. Give a little wave
Of course, who could really be bothered constructing The Box? Just let the maniac glide on past and give him a little wave as he goes. ‘Yep, there you go, zipping in and out of traffic. You must be so ace at Mario Kart.’

Really, in any driving situation, the ‘heya thanks’ wave just works. On long journeys I’m often in danger of getting RSI my left hand is bobbing up and down so much. And don’t even get me started on the barely-perceptible finger-salute… love them country drivers.

So, how do you handle fight-ready drivers on the road? Do you get cranky like me or are you able to ignore them and concentrate on your own driving like a mature adult?

[Image by Susie Bauer of Revoluzzza who appears very happy to be a part of the Difficult People series after all]

Dealing with Difficult People #7: Yummy Mummies

Now, settle. I'm not talking about a mother who takes care of herself and pride in her appearance. I think we all like to think that we keep ourselves nice. I'm talking about capital Y Yummies who care about nothing except the way they and their offspring look. They half-sneer (all they can manage due to their recent 'bowie') at anyone who doesn't wear heels on the school run and throw scorn at those who are less genetically and artifically blessed.

I think I've mentioned previously that whenever I see a Yummy Mummy I just want to stuff her into her Prada nappy bag and run over her with a Bugaboo pram.  It's not because they have coiffed nails and manicured hair. It's not because they have prams that need regular servicing. It's not even because their bums are so rock hard they don't even sway when they're running behind said pram.

No, it's not even that.

It's because they are so busy being Yummy that they often forget to be Mummy. Hence, at the playgroup you find yourself in charge of twenty kids while the Yummies sip herbal tea and compare spray tans. Hence, at the park you find yourself with extra kids to push on the swing, catch on the slippery dip and nose-wipe every two minutes. Hence, at the school gate you find yourself waiting patiently with extra children while Yummy is late yet again doing whatever it is that she does.

I yelp at the sight of one of them coming my way, furiously pushing her screaming baby while her iPod shuts out the world. Oh, what to do with those Yummy Mummies?

1. Don't become the Dummy Mummy
If you find yourself idly wondering how your new friend Yummy keeps her nails and clothes looking so groomed when she has 3 kids under 4, remember this: the reason she looks so good is because other people take care of the messiness of her children. Trust me, you don't want to become her other people so resist the urge to parent her children for her. Yes, you will feel bad that Axel has desperately been trying to get his mother to notice him for the past fifteen minutes, but not as bad as you will feel when you say 'Yes, Axel?' on her behalf that one time and suddenly find yourself with a new child called Axel.

2. Don't reveal shared interests
There's no denying that we are all a little jealous of how perfumed and pretty Yummy is. But never reveal your  weakness. Even though I have been known to visit beautydressers and hairtherapists myself, I make a point of loudly proclaiming what a waste of money I think regular salon visits are. I feel no shame in being such a hypocrite, in fact I use my most booming voice. If I'm feeling particularly mean I might go on to whine that it is money that could be used to fund programs like Bear Cottage at Westmead Children's Hospital. Those poor, underfunded children, suffering because Yummy needs french nails.

3. Dress down, baby down, down, down
A bit like our strategy for dealing with those Competitive types, you want to downplay any semblance of your own yumminess. This way you take the importance of looking photo-ready at every opportunity just right out of the equation. If you simply don't care one jot about appearances, Yummy has nothing on you. NOTHING.

4. The 'you have time for that?' defense
"Oh, hi Yummy Mummy. So nice that you've got time to get your nails done and a weekly 'blow out', but some of us are too busy editing our memoirs, portrait painting for the Archibald and teaching your child to read on Friday mornings for such fripperies. Would love to stay and natter, but I'm just off to collect my OAM for services to volunteering after I stop by the Chemist for some Ural... been very busy, you know?"

5. The ultimate 'since becoming a mummy' defense
This is where you confess that you were the yummiest thing in town before becoming a mummy. Oh scoff, this is no lie. We were all technically yummier before the stretch-marks and jelly bellies hunted us down. Maybe not the best thing going, but in our heads we were, right?

So, Once Was Yummy, but now you are so enamored with your cherished children that trivial things like yumminess have been thrown aside like last season's Gucci handbag. Back then you were concerned with the materialistic and the superficial, but now you've embraced the concept of role modelling and you don't want your daughter or son to grow up with, shhhhh, body image issues. Now you have seen the light and are a much better and happier person for it. In fact, you are quite convinced you have found heaven on earth you are so darn happy since becoming a mummy. Just look at your beaming smile and contented eye twitch.

They're hardly on the endangered list, so I know you know some Yummies. 

Would you confess to being one yourself? How do you handle yourself/ other Yummies?

[Image by Suse Bauer and her fabulous Revoluzzza creations]

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PSSSSSST... Today is the last chance to enter the writing course giveaway at the Fibro. Click on the image. Don't miss this fantastic opportunity to express yourself with educational feedback!! 

Dealing with Difficult People #6: Bullies

For a long time I found it really difficult to stand up for myself around bullies. I was fine asserting myself with most other types of people, but not the irrational, aggressive, in-your-face bully. I felt intimidated, teary and humiliated every single time.

I realised later that I tended to lose my voice and myself around bullies because they are so unfair. It's so hard (and pointless really) to argue with someone who just wants to make you look small so they can feel bigger. I also think that bullying can be quite subtle and pervasive so that you are almost questioning yourself whether it is actually happening.

Bullying for kids is a different field and one I'm not experienced in. But if you are facing bullying of the adult kind, my main strategy has always been to stay well away. But if you really can't avoid them...

1. Stand tall and proud
Make eye contact. Don't flinch. Be solid. Practice deep breathing. Listen to what they have to say, but don't own it. Be a wall with ears.

2. Don't get angry
Distract yourself with a poem, counting, a song. Our huge repertoire of nursery rhymes comes in handy right about now. It's hard to get angry when your head is singing "a'tissue a'tissue we all fall down".

Remember the golden rule with bullies: whatever their problem is, you are not it.

It won't do you any good to try to 'win' a confrontation with a bully. This can be frustrating because it's just not fair to let someone so awful and undeserving be the 'winner'. It's not right, it's not fair, but it's just the way it is.

3. Stand up for yourself
When the time is right, interrupt them in a calm, measured voice. Saying their name again and again in a firm but gentle way tends to get their attention. Say "I don't like the way you're talking to me. I'm happy to have this conversation, but not like this. Maybe you should come back when you've calmed down." Note that you are putting the onus on them here. Walk calmly away. Ignore the insults that they will shout after you.

4. Be honest about how you feel
The temptation is often to keep a bully at bay by being kind to them. When I was younger I used to do this, but although it smoothed the way, it sure didn't make me feel good about myself. These days I tend to be upfront with bullies and also about how I'd prefer to deal with them. This makes me feel better and it also makes me less likely to be bullied by them again. For instance, at work I tell them in no uncertain terms that I find talking with them face to face difficult and would prefer to use email.

5. Let people know
Don't feel ashamed that you're having problems dealing with someone like this. Let other people know so that you are not alone. Most bullies are harmless, but some can turn very ugly, very quickly. It's good to know you have back-up. Be proud of the fact that you have people you can rely on in this way. Bet your best knickers the bully doesn't.

Man, bullies are hard work. 

Do you have to deal with anyone with bullying tendencies? 

Do you have any coping strategies to share?

[Image: I wonder how Suse Bauer from Revoluzzza feels about being part of my Difficult People series? I received permission to use her images, but I don't quite think she knows what she signed up for!]

Dealing with Difficult People # 5: Toddlers

I am not one of those mothers who smiles sweetly at the wild-eyed newbies frantically rocking their selfish newborns and shrieks "enjoy the baby stage, just you wait until they're TWO."

No, I'm not one of those. I can't stand those know-it-all mothers who just have to share (but more on them in a later post). Besides, I think newborns are the most difficult creatures known to woman.

But toddlers, ah Toddlers, are a very close second.

Ruthless, cunning; dear god they're accountable to no one. If you've never eyeballed a Toddler on the Verge of a Naughty Breakdown, you've never viewed a true enemy. Once a Toddler has something in their sights, they will stop at nothing, absolutely NOTHING to get it.

Enter the Terrifying Toddler Tantrum. 

Mothers have been broken. Supermarkets have been trashed. Dummies have been lost.

But fear not, I've got their number. Most toddlers will try the major full-blown TTT, but most will hang out the white nappy after a single incident* when they come up against their natural born enemy: The Prepared Mother. Pop these tips in your arsenal and get ready to return fire.

1. Ignore
It's a constant refrain here at the Difficult People Files. Whether the bad behaviour is coming from a smug shop assistant, an Olympic Parent or a juiced-up Mr 2 in aisle five... the strategy is the same: IGNORE THEM. Quietly (but in a voice loud enough to be heard over the screeching... this takes practice) say, "I don't like the way you're behaving, Mr 2. I'm going to head off and you can join me when you're feeling quieter."

Step over the little tyke if you have to (avoid stepping on fingers, but they can generally take some subtle foot-to-the-butt treatment as you go by) and hide yourself nearby. Monitor out of your peripheral vision, only looking at them directly if you are certain they can't see you.

Note that while you are ignoring Mr 2 you will most probably have to ignore the tsk-tsking of general passersby as they judge you for being a cold, heartless mother or wonder what you're doing hiding behind the biscuit display. IGNORE them. If you so much as make eye-contact with one of these Concerned Citizens, Mr 2 will have won.

2. Be patient
They don't show this on Supernanny due to editing, but ignoring takes lots and lots of time.

Just keep waiting and Mr 2 will at some stage work out that you are not around for his grand performance, get even more hysterical, come looking for you, find you behind the biscuits, throw himself at you dramatically and cling like a demented barnacle to your disinterested skirt. Keep ignoring. Resist the urge to kick the hysterical little cling-on off like a used pair of undies. Mentally run through your shopping list. Mentally run through your 'To Do' list. Mentally run through your 'Life Goals'** list. Remind yourself that no child ever died from crying***. Ignore Concerned Citizens.

3. Do the walk
Allow Mr 2 to exhaust himself sobbing. You will need him fairly droopy for this next stage. This is the 'I'm really leaving' stage. You have to walk as if you mean business - with confidence, purpose and vigour. You have to do this while dragging a screaming child along, clinging to the edge of your skirt.

Oh, make sure you always wear a non-elasticised skirt to the supermarket. That should have been Tip 1.

4. Bring out the big guns

By this stage you've been hanging out in aisle five so long that they're rotating the use by dates on the food. Most toddlers will have eased to a dull roar by now, but if you've got one of those stubborn ones, you will need to bring out the big guns.

"Mr 2, if you don't calm down, I am happy to leave you right here. I don't hang out with screaming children."

"Do you want to stay here tonight? Well, calm down please."

Start to walk away again. Repeat the threat of abandonment until tantrum has subsided (don't panic, things are generally faster now they're facing a night hanging out with the store packers).

5. Hug and praise
Once the tantrum has gone and you are left with a red, heaving sludge that used to be Mr 2, get down on the floor with him (he will absolutely be on the floor. Prone.) and say, "That's a nice boy now, I'm so glad we're friends again. Shall we keep going with the shopping?"

The answer to that question, by the way, is "No." Do not keep going with the shopping. Move at lightening speed through the check-out and get the hell home.

Yes, it's taken time, yes it was a long haul. You should feel battle weary, but smiley. Exhausted, but satisfied. For you, my friend, have won the war against the Toddler. Now, you can do anything.

How did / do you handle your own children's tantrums?

* I mean it when I said that they will only ever have one using these tips. Each Tsunamis had exactly one. My only glitch was Cappers - she was never a screamer, she was a leg dropper (you know, suddenly the legs cannot possibly bear weight and the child is stiff as a board). She used to watch you disinterestedly as you walked and walked and walked away and eventually you were faced with having to start walking backwards lest you find yourself crossing roads. Really needy that one...

** If, of course, you are self-absorbed enough to have such a list. I will not judge.

*** This claim is not substantiated. It is possible that one or two healthy, loved children have cried themselves to death at some stage in history. Please do not forward sad children-dying-of-crying stories. I will not read them.

[Image via Revoluzzza's amazing monster fest]

Dealing with Difficult People #4: Snooty Salespeople

Have you met Dave? He works at a vacuum cleaner shop that shall of course remain... Godfreys.

I don't like Dave. Dave sells a complimentary dose of WTF? along with his fancy vacuum accessories and frankly I'm a lot tired of his superior attitude. I get that pulling the vacuum cleaner up the stairs by the hose led to a broken hose. I understand that that's not the way to treat a vacuum. I understand that you would never be so lazy as to haul it around in such a fashion. I get that while vacuuming is just a mild irritant in my otherwise reasonable week, it is your life and you love it dearly. But does this crime really deserve what appears to be a double life sentence in Customer Penitentiary? Please, just sell me the replacement hose and crawl back into the vacuum from whence you came.

Snooty, superior salespeople. Argh. Usually found lurking around the poorly-lit change rooms of women's fashion stores, but surprisingly common in vacuum cleaner sales as well. They will make you feel about 2 foot tall (and ten feet wide) in seconds if you let them. What to do?

1. Remember your mantra
No, sadly, it's not 'the customer is always right'. That died when someone moved someone else's cheese. Your mantra is 'I have the money'. They have 525 units to move and you have the money. That is all you really need to know.

2. Take your business elsewhere
You've seen the Pretty Woman movie. Oh, are you a fan? I think females are solidly divided into those that thought Pretty Woman was a fairytale to be watched again and again and those that thought it sucked.

But I digress.

If a salesperson makes you feel like a beggar, smile sweetly and walk out the door. In this age of debt-riden consumerism, there are plenty of other places who would be very happy to see you indeed.

3. Be ready with a handy retort
Aside from saying "yeah, well, I'm dressed like this because there aren't a lot of clothing options in jail", you could try one of these.

They say: I don't think we carry clothes in your size.
You respond: That's interesting because I carry clothes in my size every single day. They are really not that heavy. Maybe you should give it a try.

They say: You should get some of this skin primer to smooth out those wrinkles before you put on this foundation.
You respond: Primer? Foundation? What, are we building me a new face? Don't answer that...

Right, well, you get the idea.

4. Call their bluff
Most people who work in retail are lovely, helpful people. But some give off the vibe that they just stopped by for 8 hours on their way to getting a pedi.  They are most likely an Actor / Dancer / Singer / Checkout Chick. If they're totally slacking off to the detriment of your day, it's okay to say "I would like to speak to your manager". When they say "I am the manager", see point 2.

5. Keep perspective
Above all else, remember that it really doesn't matter if the lass who works at the clothes shop thinks you're an unstylish heiffer.  I know when they start using that look it's tempting to start rabbiting on about needing to see your Stylist whom you'll drive to in your Ferrari with your new customised Sharon-Lee eyebrows framing your face beautifully. But it's not necessary. Purchase your goods and leave quietly. At the end of the day, you're a mother /lover / friend / Neurosurgeon and they are that lass who works at the clothes shop.

Don't they just make you want to grrrrrrrrrrr.... Ever had a Snooty Salesperson encounter? Any tips for dealing with these Difficult People? And what are your thoughts on Pretty Woman?

[Image by Revoluzzza, check out her gorgeous stuffed monsters here]

Dealing with Difficult People #3: Negative Nellies

We've tacked Newborns, we've tacked CPs, this week...

You've met Nellie. She's permanently involved in some catastrophe or another but it doesn't matter because the world is going to end tomorrow anyway. She goes on and on and on and on about how awful life is and how thoughtless other people are and how nothing is any good any more. Being with Nellie is like having laser eye surgery - you're awake, you're uncomfortable, you're having your cornea cut open and peeled back.

But there are strategies for dealing with people like Nellie.

1.  Nellie is looking for disagreeable, so agree with her.
It's painful, but it's true. The more you agree with other people the less they talk. Rather than trying to cheer them up (a red rag to Nellie's bull), just agree that it's all so awful. Once you agree, you will soon see that without fuel they have no fire.

2. Distract and divert
Nellie: "Oh, I can't win. The postman is deliberating crumpling up my mail before he puts it in the box..."*

You: "Yes, but it's been beautiful weather for posties, hasn't it?"

Nellie: "He hates me. I can see him next door getting the mail out ready to ball it up..."

You: "Speaking of balls, I had the nicest dessert last night..."

Nellie: "Really, dessert? What did you have?"

It really does work.

3. Surprise and delight
If every time you see Nellie she launches into a diatribe, cut her off at the chase. Bring along a bunch of flowers, a punnet of strawberries, a small notebook for her to jot down her interesting thoughts... Just a little something 'just because'. Thoughtfulness is appreciated by everyone, but particularly by our Negative Nellies.

4. Counter-attack
Nellie: "That Mary is so thoughtless, she never rings me, I always have to ring her."

You: "That's funny, she always calls me."

Nellie: "Why doesn't she ring me then? I knew she didn't like me."

You: "Oh, she really likes you. She said just the other day how nice it is that you always call."

Sock it to 'em.

5. Pollyanna her into silence
If number 1 isn't working, do the opposite. For every negative, express a positive.  Negative Nellies hate Pollyanna so it works a bit like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You'll soon find she moves onto less negative fare if she suspects that a positive might be coming straight after.

Know any Negative Nellies? Any coping tips to share with us all?

*  I wish this was imaginary but, alas, I have actually suffered through a convo about the mean postman. I need to widen my circle of friends, obviously!

[Image by Suse Bauer - check out her Revoluzza monsters!]

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Please also take some time today to send powerful thoughts of healing to Lori's husband. Godspeed, Tony.

♥

Dealing with Difficult People #2: The Competitive Parent

I'm not the most tactful person in the world which is less than ideal given that I work with some of the most arrogant and annoying people on earth (see "I'm not the most tactful person..."). Ergo, I've had loads of experience picking my way through social and political minefields so I thought I'd share my top tips on Dealing with Difficult People.

Maybe they missed out on selection to the Sydney 2000 Badminton squad. Maybe they peaked in high school and just want to go back. Maybe their surname is Jones so there's a certain expectation thing going on. Whatever the reason, the Competitive Parent (CP) just makes you want to run, run, run away. Very fast.

I first encountered these Difficult People in the hospital with my pesky newborn. Day 3, C-Section smarting like a teacher's pet, rumbling down the hall with the world's loudest breast pump machine in front and the angst-ridden newborn in the trolley behind. Busy, you know?

"Oh," cooed the CP. "Breastfeeding not working out for you?"

Be fooled by neither the CP's warmth nor their question. They are not interested in you. Before I had a chance to respond ("Yes actually, it's going great. So great, in fact, that I thought I'd spend the next two and a half hours pumping out an additional 40 mls just because I can...") she launched into the real reason why she was cooing.

"It's my first baby too," she chummed. "But, to be honest, I don't know what all the fuss is about. He was breastfeeding before they even cut the cord... so easy, so natural. So right. He just found his way there like a little primate and it's been BLISS, pure bliss... sigh. Well, good luck with the world's loudest breast pump. You know, by the sounds of things last night, your baby could do with a volume switch too! Toodles."

Yes, CPs are scary creatures, but I'm not afraid. Try these pointers the next time you encounter one:

1. Don't engage
You'll notice in the convo above that even though I didn't get a word in, I was going to respond. Rookie. I haven't made that mistake since. Don't talk to these people. They may ask you a question, but it's okay to look down and spend the moment picking off the crusted Weetbix* on your baggy t-shirt. They will have the same conversation whether you talk or you don't - they don't need your feedback. Let them get whatever miraculous deed their child has done today off their chest and then just calmly walk away.

2. Don't encourage
Often normal parents will make the mistake of oohing a little. A bit of 'good for her', an occasional 'well done' for added effect as Tenor's school report is given the blow-by-blow by a proud mama.  Under normal circumstances this is expected and harmless. But you're not dealing with a normal parent here and every 'good for her' translates as 'future banker' and 'well done' just adds 'at Macquarie' to the portfolio. Just listen quietly and get working on that Weetbix.

3. Don't take it out on their child
It's tempting. If you spend morning after morning at the Kindy school gate hearing about Rainer's future career prospects, you kinda don't like him.  You may find yourself trying to get dirt on Rainer via your child ("So, um, how did, say, Rainer go with the colouring in? Lines, no lines?" ) but it will all be fruitless. Rainer is not at fault here, he's really just an impeccably-dressed innocent bystander. Relax, with a name like Rainer he will get what's coming to him.

4. Don't take it out on your child
Like any victim, you listen to enough of your oppressor's version of reality and pretty soon their incredible child becomes your reality. Before long, your own child's achievements start to look, well, a bit lacklustre. Horrifying, impossible, never-on-my-watch, but true. No matter how tempting, don't ever start a conversation with "Did you hear that Tayhlia was picked as the prettiest ever contestant on Australia's Next Top Model?" as it will only end in tears.

5. When all else fails, fail
If weeks have gone by and the silent treatment is not working, lower the bar. As the Libby Lenton of parenting, the CP is completely disinterested in the paddling pool.  So for every achievement, counter attack with an under-achievement. "Reilly was first in her class for spelling" / "Sam can spell Sam"; "Reilly got a medal for running" / "Sam got told off for running"; "Reilly is on level 23 for reading" / "Sam can read Sam".  Believe me, the CP will soon be off to deeper waters.

Oh, hush. Don't worry, no real harm done. You're just pretending your child is below par, remember? We all secretly know that there has never been a child quite as golden or as smart or as beautiful as your child...

Know any CPs? How do you handle them? Are you prepared to admit to being one?

* The hardest substance known to man.

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[Image by Suse Bauer of some of her many amazing Revoluzzza monster softies!]

Dealing with Difficult People #1: Newborns

Excuse me while I detour from my usual Friday post - I am starting to agree with Maxi- Taxi: "learning stuff is boring". (He will go far.)

I'm not the most tactful person in the world which is less than ideal given that I work with some of the most arrogant and annoying people on earth (see "I'm not the most tactful person..."). Ergo, I've had loads of experience picking my way through social and political minefields so I thought I'd share my top tips on Dealing with Difficult People.

I'm starting with Newborns.

I've only ever worked with three of them, but I've seen quite a few in my time and let me tell you, without exception, they are all Difficult. They're selfish, cranky, demanding.... they're mean. They cry until you're blue in the face and then they zap you with one of those windy little smiles like that's supposed to make up for weeks of sleep drip torture, poo, mastitis and vomit. Worse, that windy smile works like a charm and we fall in love with them despite their general unloveliness. Like I said, Difficult.

But, here are my top five tips for managing these pesky newcomers:

1. Handle with confidence.
Do not, under any circumstances, let them know that you don't know what you're doing. They can smell fear and they will vomit on it.  A very tight wrap administered brusquely will help immensely until you've genuinely got a handle on things. Watch your midwife to get an idea of what brusque looks like. Watch her also for tips on how to handle the newborn - watching Rugby Union can also help here.


2.  Don't play with them, they don't like it.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that newborns are capable of doing anything more exhausting than eating. Every minute you spend dangling a toy in front of their face and gooing and gagaohlalaing is ten extra minutes they will spend screaming in their cot because they are so over stimulated. I learned this the hard way with Maxi-Taxi.

For the first eight weeks, cuddle them on waking, cuddle them before you put them to bed (preferably skin on skin), but if they're not actually eating (preferably skin on skin), ensure they are lying in their cot or pram ready for sleep. Playing comes later (and never, ever ends).


3. You're a family now and forevermore
Batten down the hatches and for now just fold yourself into a little family package. Some visitors are lovely and easy and leave the home in a more relaxed state than they found it it. Most are not like that. You have more important things to do than serve drinks and tidy the house for guests. Like sleep.

It's also about keeping the overstimulation down to a manageable size. Faces are MAJOR work when you're freshly minted. Know that the more people your baby sees and is held by, the crazier he will be. Guests go home, you get left with the crank all by your lonesome.


4. Newborns cry, that's what they do.
Newborns are all different, but they have two things in common. They're all mysteriously adorable and they all cry. Maxi-Taxi was an overstimulated mess. He cried every night from 6pm until 9pm, non stop. All we could do was hold him and cry right along with him. Cappers was an angel who rarely cried but when she did it she would set car alarms off in the street. The embarrassment of her screeching when we were out in public had to be experienced to be believed. The Badoo just grizzled permanently from sun down until sun up. Grumpy was her middle name and while she rarely cried, she rarely smiled either.

Your newborn will cry too and that's okay. It's up to you whether you pick them up every time they cry. Just know that they can cry in the bed just as easily as in your arms. And they'll be crying in their bed for a lot, lot longer if they get used to crying in your arms...


5. Remember, you're a newborn too.
Be gentle and kind to both your baby and yourself. You're a newborn mum and you deserve to give yourself the same loving care that you are giving your baby. Sometimes that means co-sleeping when you didn't plan to co-sleep. It means giving a bottle when you wanted to breastfeed exclusively. It means calling your neighbour and asking them to come right over to mind Cranky Pants so you can run away.

Treat yourself as you'd like your baby to treat you. With love, with kindness, with compassion, with sleep.

And remember, above all else: This, too, shall pass.

How were your newborn days? What are your best tips to share?

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PS - Come flog with me come flog come flog away... 

[Image by Suse Bauer of one of her many amazing Revoluzzza monster softies!]